I hate the feeling of restlessness. Of waiting for something more, even though you know that to have there be more you must make it more. More will not appear out of thin air.
I hate getting stuck thinking of “when I did this” and “one time I went there”. Being content. Getting along. Living a life that feels stagnant and mildly copacetic. I will concede that I am at a point in my life where many people ask themselves what they are doing, and reassess what they have going. Knowing that others are doing the same around this point in their own lives is only some-what comforting. The reality of the matter is that there is nobody who will be able to tell me the right thing to do, or the correct path to take. The one time in my life when I've wanted a how-to manual is now.
At times I wish I was simple enough to just want a beautiful home where I can raise a kid or two.
I watched a new Travel Channel show this weekend where a guy who goes from country to country playing their national sports. This one is in Switzerland, a country I've yet to visit and which I've been dreaming of hiking across since a university professor told me about when he did and showed me a lovely slide show. The show made me sad.
Inner reflection is hard and exhausting, and I’m finding myself starting to shut down instead of continue with the hardship of it. Part of me wants to be in a completely selfish mode, and the other part of me is disappointed in the former half for feeling, let alone thinking it.
So today I am at a loss again. Nothing is "bad", but I want more...then I feel ashamed for wanting more, when most people would be content with it.
I am not like most people though, but at times I was I was.
2 comments:
Dreaming of living
Take me to the desert dunes,
an epiphany in a journey,
the stars as my direction,
sun as my attorney.
To scale the highest mountain,
a test of my endurance,
to the peaks that touch the heavens,
where return is no assurance.
In the ice fields of the north,
where I can feel release,
to hike along the glaciers
and think alone in peace.
Through the dark depths of the jungle,
under the covering canopy,
without the drain of urban life,
where nature lets me be.
To the thing we call the great unknown,
the place when I dream...I see,
and in that place where I feel most alive,
my caged soul will be free.
-Mark Graham Meades
Good luck with this journey of self exploration. Remember that nothing worth having comes easy and life is anything but simple. The challenges you're facing about satisfaction are the hardest ones in life. Most people will spend their whole life ignoring that inner voice only to later find themselves living in regret. It's never too late to take care of yourself and follow your dreams. You are worth it, and 'now' is the one chance you have, the one life you're given. I believe that a far, far bigger pain is the life spent in easy comfort, not questioning your dreams and not seeking out that which you know you deserve.
Good luck friend. You are worth the pain of the process you're putting yourself through. You are worth everything your imagination yearns for. You are not like everyone else, you never have been. And you were meant for more. -Never forget that.
Ah... the quarter life crisis! I know it all too well. When in the middle of it, you can only mitigate its effects through "doing"... which will also be the very same act that saves you from it in the end. Eventually.
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