Hippo Birdy Two Ewe

I love to dress up, that’s no secret (not like that- get your mind out of the gutter). I’m a big fan of theme parties and acting silly- life is too short not to.

This last weekend was BigA’s birthday party, and one of the reasons that she and I get along so well is that she’s big into dressing up also. So, while I was at the party store looking for an Anything-But-Pink Birthday Crown I stumbled across some cheesy but fun fiesta attire. They did say they were doing tacos for dinner…The Hubby, however, didn’t think the outfits would be PG13. Dammit. I called her anyway and told her what I had found, and she insisted that I go back and get them. While I was at it I got cone party hats, a birthday crown, and super cute lollipop's for the girls- because I care.

The party was good, consisting of some fire dancing:

Sitting around singing silly songs with a gee-tar:

And of course there was karaoke. For the record I told BigA that it would be fun to have, but I was sure I’d take NO part in it. That was a sack of crap- my voice was horse the next day:
There's nothing like a bunch of drunk girls singing Pat Benatar songs at the top of their lungs.

After all the big kids (and really little) had retired for the night, we headed up to the bedroom to change. Of course we needed to toss on our roller skates too in order to make the outfits complete:

We had to take the bottles of beer out of their little holsters to skate around in order to prevent horrendous party fouls.
Unfortunately, because of the fiesta costumes this came out:
I think I made ConeGirl and her hubby take a few. But it's not "making" them if they want it already, right?

The girls enjoyed putting things in their mouths*:

Everyone enjoyed the hats- in more ways than one:

At one point BigA demanded that the stripper pole be put up- cause really, what is a party without a bolted in stripper pole. (Duh): This was completely innocent, and in fact I believe this took place in order to prove that she won best ass during a scavenger hunt:

Somebody had the great idea to bring a bunch of granny-panties and hide them all over the house (including the freezer). I'm pretty sure she's still finding them:
All in all it was another late night party at the BigA household, which always leads to me taking at least a half a year off my life. Worth it? Usually. Except for the amazingly huge bug bite on my heel.

* I did a little distorting this time instead of cute hearts and stars over faces...a little creepy, I'm not gonna lie. I think I may stick to the cute shit.

P.S. Did you know that smoking kills?

Spring has (kind of) Sprung

We had two 100 degree days, followed by some not so great days and now it's cold out. Mother Nature obviously thinks she's funny.

In preparation for spring The Hubby slapped this together:

We've yet to get the soil to add to it, but we do have green beans ready to be planted, as well as these cucumbers that were gifted to us:We live in the "Salad Bowl of the World", and even though neither one of us works in the produce industry almost everyone else does. This leads to things like getting free plants, free bags organic dried cranberries, loads of lettuce- including some custom stuff you can't get in the specialty stores yet, and watching everybody jump on their Blackberry's at the same time while camping in the middle of nowhere because of a contamination scare (last year it was tomatoes, the year before was spinach). I now know more about produce and the produce industry than I ever cared to.

Speaking of killing things, I thought our poor little lemon tree was doomed by the end of winter, but amazing things happen when you actually start taking care of things. Ya know, like giving it water and taking it out of the container it's been in for a year:

The nice thing is that pretty much anything grows in this damn hard soil we have. We also had some flowers gifted to us that we've yet to plant- let's hope I don't kill those before we can manage to get them in the ground. Why did my mother not pass on her green thumb? Mine is sort-of a faint green-ish, but usually only when in-doors.

Bonus Picture:

This is Innocent M's kid when she went shopping for hats with us before Drag Queen Bingo. We're training her to be fabulous, obviously.

Not your Grandmas Bingo

I have never played Bingo for money before. That being said, let me introduce you to The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. The ones we spent time with are the Russian River Sisters, and they have monthly bingo. The caption on the website says "Sisters Bingo is not your Grandmas", and that really says it all.

Being an Easter theme, we decided to get some hats of our own (all except Amy, that is, which I'll get to later). It was nice to have hats on when we got there since we waited in line for an hour or so and it was blazing hot.

Look, Look! We're cute and innocent! Not only that- but we were sober. Yeah, I said it.

When you're waiting in line they finally come through and hand out numbered cards, as well as a special raffle ticket for virgins and seniors. When Sister Sparkle asked us if we were new she looked at as coyly and said "I can spot a virgin a mile away". We hadn't been called that in awhile, so needless to say we all smiled and thought "Ha ha! Fuck you husbands!".

A numbered card means you're guaranteed to get in, and there is no saving seats for late-comers. As we buy our cards, grab our raffle tickets and find a seat, we notice a large amount of random shit at the front of the room. Everything from a George Foreman Grill, wine, t-shirts, and water guns were up there. WTF? It turns out that this is exactly what it looks like. Free Shit. Throughout the night people start yelling and chanting "Free shit!" "Free Shit!", or "more shit!" when you don't think she stacked up enough to give away. And if you're not yelling loud enough you obviously aren't that in to getting free shit. The best part was looking across the room and seeing a grandma pumping with her fist yelling "free shit!!". Awesome.

So not only are we yelling about free shit, but every time we end a game everyone balls up the cards and throws it towards the winner. The place was a wonderful disaster and at one point I look up and there's paper flying everywhere, music blaring, and drag queens dancing. How could you not love bingo after this?!

One lady yelled bingo when she didn't have it, so they brought her up to the front and all the sisters had 30 seconds to dob all over her. Seriously- they put ink all over her face, arms and neck. She didn't care and she seemed pretty wasted, besides that she was sporting a banana clip in her hair, so she probably deserved it:

Speaking of dobbing and dobbers, I did not receive a memo about Amy being a motherfing professional. We brought bonnets, this bitch brought this:

Yeah, that's a bag of personal dobbers. She had personal dobbers. Apparently she goes to bingo every Monday with her mom. And guess what?

That's right, that bitch won. She was the only one of us who won anything. There she is going "look at me, I'm a winner and I carry around my own dobbers." (Er, not in those words though, it was really more like "Hey guys I brought some cookies, want some?" Whatever, I get your game woman...)

My favorite sisters were Sister Francis and Sister Sparkle:

My favorite thing about the bingo besides the possibility of winning a decent sum of cash is that they took a 15 minute break in the middle of everything to go across the street to the bar. Really. Next time not only am I going to have some pre-bingo Strip and Go Nakeds, but I'm taking my ass to the bar with the sisters.

This is our favorite dancing sister:There was only one Bad Idea of the evening and it happened while we were in line- and it wasn't even us. It was the lady in front of us, and I was worried about a scene. Or losing my foot:

Worlds smallest ice chest, not a svelte ass.

The evening was worth waiting in line for, and we definitely plan on going again at some point. This time, I'll have my winner pants on.

Saki with a Side of Sushi

It was a long, wonderful weekend, which I’ll have to do in two posts since in all honesty a drag queen bingo deserves its very own.

Friday was Sushi in P-Town, but it was more like sake-bombs with a side of sushi. Let the beginning of Bad Ideas commence.

MelB made us do a sake-bomb before we began to eat. Not such a bad idea, but not a great one in hindsight. Two sake-bombs before a meal of raw fish and eel. Riiigh...

By 9:30 we decided that we *had* to go out dancing. *Had* to. Despite the fact that is was waaay early for any action downtown, we tried to make ourselves look pretty and not too drunk, tossed on some heels and called a cab. In the middle of said actions a lovely little photo shoot took place:

Work it!!

Yeah baby!! Give me some front action!!

Don't worry, she changed before we went out. (Her shirt, not the panties...I think.)

I can’t even remember how many places we went to downtown, we just kept walking from one to the other.

The wise thing we did was stick to beer, but to be honest we were already 2.5 sheets to the wind, so I think all it did was prolong the inevitable by a mere 30 minutes or so.

Bad Idea #2 :

I don't know what possessed her to take her shoes off on the street, or sit down on the ground. Or maybe she fell. Not so sure...

Moving on to Bad Idea #3, I now realize that I honestly can't say if it came before or after Bad Idea#2. In either case this was by far the worst of them:

Never, ever, should you listen to your drunk friend who all of a sudden is shoeless when she grabs a random shopping cart and tells you to get in it. Ever. I don't know how the hell we didn't crash, but she managed to get me to the end of the street and back without tipping over...I think. Not only did I agree to it, but I paused to take out my camera and took two or three pictures. I now have bruises forming on each of my forearms, which is fine since I hear that looking like your husband beat you everywhere but the face is the new mini-skirt of the season. (Seriously officer, I was riding in a shopping cart while my barefoot friend was pushing me!)

Our cab driver on the way home took us through the Taco Bell drive through, and we were in bed by 1AM.

Oh yeah, we know how to roll...

Word of the Day

I just used the word "nosh" for the first time. It felt good.

Sent from my iPhone

It's Britney Bitch.

Yes, it was Britney, bitch, and in all her lip-syncing glory too.

Innocent M and I made it to the hotel to meet the other two girls we were staying with, who were already two Strip and Go Naked’s ahead of us…well ahead of me since IM doesn’t drink. I had met Amy before since she went to high school with IM, but the other girl was new to me. I felt at ease and knew we’d be BFF when shortly after meeting me she said “Fuck this shit, which one of you bitches is holding my hair back later while I puke?” Ahhh, yes- this is gonna be good.

Here are a few things I learned this weekend, in no particular order:

1. Innocent M has a lot of patience.

2. A group of married women and a few blenders of booze make for a lot of free entertainment.

3. Even when you think you’re going to get into a bathroom brawl, it is possible for everyone to come out of it as best friends. But usually only when there is lots of booze involved with each individual present.

4. Innocent M has a lot of patience.

5. Too many Strip and Go Naked’s can lead to telling everyone you meet to have a “Happy Resurrection Weekend”.

6. We are not the only group that will yell “It’s Britney Bitch” to random strangers. We were, however the only ones to yell “Happy Resurrection Weekend”.

7. You should always eat dinner if you’re going to go to a concert after and have three double cocktails, after you’ve already had five singles.

8. You can never have too many “your mama” comments or “fuck your face” comments between friends. Luckily we were sober enough to know that this does not apply to strangers.

9. Innocent M has a lot of patience.

10. Tostitos Cheese Dip does not sound like it’s a good thing to puke up.

I was a little weary at first about wearing my lace shirt, but by the looks of things when we got there I was more on the conservative side than I initially thought, and I actually got lots of compliments on it. The Girls were only on mild display, while others had their ass and tits out on full display. In fact, I wonder how some of those young girls got out of the house in what they were dressed in- my dad and my brother would have punched me in the face and locked me in my room. I think Marie got a picture, which I'll post when I nab it from her.

This is a photo I'd like to entitle: Bad Idea #1:Chasing a vodka shot with your cup o' booze is not the smartest thing, but worse has happened. I usually make it a rule to never shoot vodka, which makes me wonder why I ignored that rule this time.

When you get to a concert you want to minimize the number of times you get up, since of course you wouldn't want to miss a thing, right? Well this simple fact, along with ignoring my no vodka shooting rule, leads us to a great Bad Idea #2:

Naturally, you're going to go to the booze stand and each get two double cocktails...Naturally. If you're Amy though, and you're so hard core you don't even bother eating dinner when the rest of us were, you also go back for another after the opening act, but this time with Jaeger. This is her Bad Idea #3, of which I neglected to take a picture of, as well as the consiquences of Bad Idea #3- lucky her.

Here's how classy we are after aforementioned cocktails. "Hi Mom!!":

I had to include this next picture, because it's the only sober woman in our group, and she's doing the robot. In public. Did I mention she's sober? I love Innocent M.

I think I may have even been beat-boxing when she was doing this. Now that I think of it, I may just want to beat-box every time I see this photo.

Towards the end I'm pretty sure I got mad at Innocent M because she wouldn't take our drunk-asses to the club at midnight- but I will admit that it was probably the wise thing for her to do, since Amy began puking at 3:30 AM, and was still in the bathroom when we left the hotel in the morning...At 10. As the rest of us are cringing at her dry-heaves and Marie jumped into her mom role getting everything packed for her, Innocent M looked at us and said"See, this is why I don't drink." Marie and I laughed, and I pointed out the two of the three of us were fine, and she needed to reevaluate her odds.

I didn't think I was hung-over, until I went to Safeway and got a Pepsi, chocolate donuts, and a banana. That is a hungover breakfast of champions. Gross.

P.S. Just an FYI: I am officially changing “Beef Curtains” to “Flap Steak”. Don’t ask, just go with it.

Strip and Go Naked

Before I blog about the wonderful weekend, I need to address what was waiting for us at the hotel in Sac on Saturday.

Marie and Amy are angels that blessed us with the deliciousness that is apparently known as a "Strip and Go Naked". You have to love a person who brings their own blender to the hotel as this mean serious business, and the Strip and Go Naked was just that. It comes off like a frothy tart girly drink- but a cup of vodka, a beer, frozen pink lemonade concentrate and ice does not end up girly.

Britney Spears concert photos comin' your way.

This weekend Innocent M and I are getting together for some man-less fun (read: shopping) and shameful concert-going. Last time I went to a concert with IM it was full of good beer and lots of screaming women (...insert beer and screaming women joke here...). I have a feeling that this concert will be better, especially since I'm looking forward to Brittany talking about rocking out with our cocks out like she did while in Canada.

I used to dislike Brittany, then when she started to sing about dirty things and act crazy all of a sudden she became more appealing. She can't sing worth a shit, but you can't deny that she's entertaining.

I've been trying to figure out what to wear on Saturday, and since I'm pretty sure the group of girls I'm going with is (way) more conservative than I am, I have decided to shelve the idea of putting together and outfit like one of Britney's:

Seriously, the sparkle tights and booty panties do it for me. But who would I get to push me around like that?

There was a lot going on this last weekend while playing house with Innocent M’s adorable kid. Friday we took our rent-a-kid to school and then meet up with my other girlfriends and their families for dinner and a movie. I will admit that Monsters V. Aliens was really good, although I’m not sure if the 3D really worth $11.75 a ticket. (Considering that I haven’t seen a movie in 3D since Captain Eo, I guess it was worth it to see how things have come along since the 80s.)

Friday also turned out to be French food day. There is a really good bakery in my home town called Café des Croissants that I used to go to all the time when I lived there. They had amazing flaky warm croissants filled with all sorts of deliciousness. I was really excited to see that a new one had opened and we happened to be by it, and of course I was boasting to The Hubby.

Holy Crap it was crap.

I have never been so disappointed in an eatery I used to frequent. The croissant that used to be messy and amazing was more like a cold dense dinner roll, with hardly a wipe of raspberry filling. No flakes. No melt in your mouth. I was hardly able to finish it. It’s hard to believe that they would change something so drastically when it was working so well for them.

On the way to pick up our rent-a-kid from school I called Innocent M and asked her to suggest a place for a quick but good lunch. She suggested a French restaurant I’d never heard of and after an initial groan we decided to give French food in our area another shot- off to French Garden we went.

I am SO glad we did. The restaurant was amazing. Beautiful patio to sit on, excellent service, decent pricing, and above all the food was exceptional. Everything was organic and purchased locally with great attention to detail. I could have sat there for hours in the sun with a great glass of wine. If you're in the Nor Cal area, check it out here.

The rest of the weekend was great, but I’m sure no where near as good as this coming weekend will be: Another concert with Innocent M.

One of These Things...

Since Innocent M and I are both huge shoe whores, I naturally looked at her shoe collection while I was playing mommy with her kid this weekend. While I was spying on her stash I found this hiding amongst the cute heels and had to take a picture:

Um…One of these things just doesn't belong…

Dude, what do you wear those with? My love for you shrank an iota, I’ll admit it. The camera doesn't even portray the shock of the color they are. Please redeem yourself.

P.S. Proof that I with involved with children this passed weekend and they all lived: